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We tapped our feet softly as the music played. The tune welcomed us into a surreal fantasy that took care of us better than anyone else had in a while. You would think a classroom without its teacher would be louder, but we all sat with earphones blaring music. Each one alone, writing, studying or at least pretending too.
You would think someone would be happy. Nobody around governing them, nobody stopping them from doing something they want too. Yet, all were stuck. The snap hit everyone, the snap that broke the mind. Yes, I also snapped, but not so bad I sat and wept in front of everyone.
All eyes were on those who did, which didn’t help matters. Nobody could comfort these people, nobody knew how. Thinking on it now, it was probably best we didn’t. Let their music be their therapy. Surely people could take care of themselves. I had enough of it. I left and if anyone had a smidge of self-worth they would leave too.
Not that I cared. We were finished and we would never see each other again. Did we want to? Not for the right reasons, no. I believe if there was a reunion there would be no smiling faces. Too many people competing, too many egos clashing. Best to avoid such a display and remain wherever I will be.
I like to think that I will be someplace important. Someplace far away, someplace like the one I visit with closed eyes. A dream room, a perfect, natural light. To sweeten the effect, some light piano music. I want to be waking up feeling ready for a day.
Would the ‘snap’ allow that? No, I was trapped in a state of perpetual exhaustion. Waking up was ugly, more so than that, it looked like I was beaten up in my sleep. Face and eyes swelling, hair everywhere and breath that could clean paint off the wall. Some people say that comes with the age and I would agree. However, I think I am too young to be dead when I wake up.
People have no idea what to do. How do you save yourself from falling into disrepair. How do you look after yourself? More so, how can you even think? There always seems to be music playing in the background, you forget the simplest things and the idea of losing your mind is ever-present more than the mental reminded to eat or drink.
Finding the solution is the last thing on your mind, when it should be the first thing. So, allow me to slap some life into myself while I still have the sanity that comes with being awake long enough.
Waking up looking like a messed up UFC fighter is unavoidable, especially on cold nights. Scratches are bad if you don’t trip your nails. Your hair will never look good in the morning, because the night goblins mess it up while you sleep, it's out of your hands. Your breath is a problem because you’re not properly cleaning your teeth. Would a little mouthwash hurt?
With that motherly nagging I found my feet and now I stand ready for a day filled with opportunities I am too blind to see. Those last failures seem to stick around. Sitting in the corner of your mind, drinking heavily and smoking up a cloud of negativity. Yes, I see you there list of awkward moments in school!
However, those thoughts will always be there. What won’t always be there is the money I have left and looking after yourself is expensive. Safe to say if I continue discussing along this road I will eventually be going through the obvious. The small pieces of common sense that everyone knows and occasionally forgets.
The snap left its mark. A mind that is ambitious cannot function without emotional stability. A sense of willpower is always necessary, but if you’re moping around the room there not even willpower can help you. Some say you just need to think positively, but there are more steps to it than that.
It hits me now and then. However, simply placing earphones in my ears and playing a melody through them, I entered a state of peace and a world of obscurity. A place where doors and stairs clash in purpose, a place where directions don’t matter. That surreal place where we all used to go in the hardest of times.
However, I didn’t see them there anymore. I was alone on the never-ending beaches, in the warm rooms, walking among the calm forests. As much as the peace gave me calm, it didn’t solve the problems which plagued me. Finding that peace once more required a new kind of snap. A snap of action, not of escape. So, I snapped out of it.
Misery, a deep funk of depression could wait. Creating the illusion that such emotional pain was gone and moving onto something else was the fastest patch to an obvious wound. However, it is now a small voice in the back of my mind and my actions consume me. Doing something with myself, creating and working.
I couldn't return to that world again and escape this pain. It would only hold me back more, take me further into a state of nothing. Now, it was about staying in a state of something. Nothing about this process is easy and hell, nothing about this process is healthy. However, it is a treatment for an illness far worse.
Now, with a plan in action it is all about time. Time to persist through all that comes. Obstacles and negativity are placed along the path and it is only when I learn to step over them instead of stumble, will I ever learn to snap back to what I was.
A man who wants to live. A man who wants to create that which he loves. A man who wants to love what he creates. Simple, base desires, but like common sense and purpose, easily forgotten. Everyone has that desire, so they have their direction. Snap to it.
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